So this is how it feels to write on my so-called blog after a long period. And as I’m typing these words, I can see my grandfather’s old wooden chair standing still in front of my attic room’s window. Yeap, I am home. And this is January 2013.

I am taking a break. I need to take a break. Taking a break from all those days where happiness was an enigmatic word. From all those times when I searched through youtube for videos of the train that always pass on the railroad in front of my neighbourhood.  And I am glad that I am here, home, with my beloved family, and my lovely furbabies.

A month passed by already. My mind has been filled with another uneasiness, some sort of anxiety about the future, about the uncertainity and equivocality that come along with it. What if I fail to reach what I want? what if I can’t transfer to the university I’ve been dreaming of? what if I disappoint my parents?

I am so afraid that my expectation on my future transcends the reality , and that once again happiness would be relinquished from me. Simultaneously, I realized that this is not right. I mean, hello…I’m in the middle of a holiday, and I stressed myself out with things that has not yet happening. It’s like there are two very concious beings live inside me.

Ahh. screw with it.

PS : Cody has become my private therapist. He makes me laugh, a lot.

Idionsyncratic.

Apa yang terjadi?

Siapa sih yang bisa memprediksi apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan?

Pernah gak sih kamu ngerasa sangat khawatir sama apa yang akan terjadi , lalu melupakan hal-hal berharga di present time yang seharusnya bisa di syukuri?

Pernah gak ngerasa maraaaah banget karena kamu terjatuh, dan terlalu sakit untuk bangkit, and you start to lose your grip to the strongest thing you’ve been holding on to?

Summer kemarin adalah liburan yang sangat sibuk buat gw. Dari mulai volunteer work untuk acara KKR untuk orang Indonesia di Korea, travelling around Seoul sama temen gw Ellen yg dateng dari Jakarta selama 2 minggu, ikut 4H conference sebagai salah satu perwakilan Indonesia, dan tentunya part time job di English camp yg diadain sama kampus. Well, it was not exactly a part time job, karena jam kerja gw adalah jam 7 pagi sampai jam 1 pagi. Kerjanya menggunakan fisik dan mental, dan unfortunately, gw kurang cocok dengan tim kerja gw.

Menjadi satu-satunya orang asing, baik dalam kelas, dalam lingkungan kerja dan lain-lain, bukanlah hal yang mudah. Tapi gw gak punya pilihan lain, dan kerja di restoran jauh lebih melelahkan dengan gaji yang jauh lebih rendah. Padahal gw butuuh uang untuk pulang. Kenapa pulang? Karena gw butuh. Karena kehidupan perantauan gw ini bukan berisikan kisah-kisah indah seperti orang-orang lain kebanyakan.  Karena gw rindu rumah.

Lalu di akhir-akhir camp, tiba-tiba terjadi sesuatu. Bibir gw jadi gak sinkron, dan mata kanan gw gak bisa nutup. Lama-lama muka bagian kanan paralyzed , gak bisa gerak sama sekali. Gw kena apa yang disebut sebagai Bell’s Palsy.

Menghadapi Bells Palsy ini, awalnya gw merasa sebagai orang cacat. Minum sama makan aja gak bisa beres. Yang paling memalukan adalah ketika gw senyum atau tertawa. Gw cuma bisa menggerakkan baigan kiri muka, jadi kebayang kan betapa anehnya senyum gw? Senyum gw patah.

Awalnya penyakit ini diprediksi karena virus. Tapi setelah konsultasi lebih lanjut, baru ketahuan bahwa kunci dari sakit ini adalah stress. I’ve been piling up stresses subconciously, and at the same time I’ve been forcing my body to work extremely hard, dan akhirnya semua berakhir dengan Bells Palsy.

Menjalani proses terapi akupunktur, menjalani hari-hari dengan senyum yang patah, gw gak tau gimana jadinya tanpa dukungan orang-orang terdekat, terutama keluarga gw. I am so blessed with a loving and caring family who’s always close in heart, supporting and praying for me endlessly. Lalu teman-teman gw yang juga terus memberikan dukungan moral, yang sangat sangat gw hargai. Disini gw belajar, gw yang semenjak di Korea ini terbentuk menjadi individualistik, perlu orang lain. Orang lain, siapapun itu, adalah alat yang dipakai Tuhan untuk membantu gw bangkit.

Harus diakui, bahwa ada saat dimana gw ngerasa diperlakukan gak adil. Dari semua ups and downs yg udah gw jalani disini, gw selalu berusaha untuk berpegang bahwa Tuhan punya rencana baik dibalik semua ini. Dan memang betul, His timing is always precise. Dia lebih tau daripada gw, apa yang akan terjadi di masa yang akan datang. Dan itu harusnya sudah lebih dari cukup untuk menjadi landasan bahwa Dia akan berlaku sama terhadap cobaan yg satu ini. Tapi gw sempat gagal. Gw mempertanyakan Dia. Gw mempertanyakan kenapa gw harus ngalamin kayak gini. Rasanya terlalu berat. Tapi pada saat yg bersamaan gw juga mikir, kok bisa2nya gw mempertanyakan Tuhan kyk gini, setelah apa yang udah gw alami di masa lalu, dan betapa gw udah liat Dia berkarya di hidup gw? ketelaluan rasanya. Lalu gw cerita sama sahabat gw Ika di L.A , via skype , kita ngeskype sambil gw nangis2, dan dia dengan wisenya bilang , ” Gw seneng lu merasa bersalah, lu merasa diri lu keterlaluan, karena dengan itu gw semakin yakin bahwa your faith to God can conquer this test. Kalau lu bisa ngelawan rasa takut di masa lalu, lu juga bisa ngelakuin hal yang sama sekarang. And you’re gonna thrive, and you’re not doing this alone, cos He will be with you holding your hands, and I’ll be with you in prayer.”

Hari-hari berikutnya pun gw jalani dengan prinsip dan filosofi ini. Walupun ditengah-tengahnya pun gw sempet ngalamin severe moodswings, sempet menggila karena biaya pengobatan yang begitu besar, tapi gw diajar untuk berserah sepenuhnya. Sepenuhnya. Dan terbukti, ada rasa damai yg masuk perlahan-lahan. Rasa damai yang udah lama hilang, dan sekarang kembali lagi. Rasa damai yang gw dapatkan setelah gw balajar untuk percaya sepenuhnya sama Dia.

Sekarang, senyum ini udah gak patah lagi.

:’)

So yeah, I have never been really into K-pop, regardless the fact that I live in Korea.

But 2NE1 is an exception.

I’m a proud Blackjack!!!

kouples:

♧ ChaeMin Make Us Dance With This Song ♧

Love this song.

Go 2NE1!!!

Don’t you just love roses?

(via f0rever-dreamer)

beingindonesian:

Dirgahayu Indonesia.

It’s kinda late but, Happy Birthday Indonesia :)

Apa gerangan yang sedang terjadi

Di tanah airku saat ini?

 Adakah derap kaki kecil malaikatku

Mengukir seulas senyum di wajah ayah?

Adakah suara adzan di masjid

Memecahkah kesunyian sore hari?

Aku ingin mengirimkan surat melalui burung merpati

Surat yang kutujukkan kepada bumi pertiwi

Dalan coretan pena kan ku ungkapkan segala kerinduan

Segala kerinduan yang menusuk

Di tengah kesendirian yang membunuh

Aku belum terlalu tua

Untuk mengharapkan sentuhan ibu yang lembut

Karena aku rindu

Aku rindu rumahku

Aku rindu keluargaku

Aku rindu malaikatku

Tanpa mereka aku terasing

Terbang dihempaskan angin

Tanpa arah..

-Metta Niham-

can I get a copy?

Before you get into a thorough reading through my subsquent writings, I have to warn you that you’re about to be drawned into a non-detrimental, innocuous yet fuzzy burst of my head that is not only random, but also equivocal, but not shallow.

So here is the thing. I have gone through a lavish amount of different things in a short period, and I can tell that at this very moment my brain is too stuffy and its content has transcend its limit. Therefore, I’m gonna blurt everything here, in order to achieve what so called as a piece of mind. Literally.

I’m gonna start with a topic that I just got yesterday. A topic that you and most people might find too cheesy, but I’m totally not in the mood of making a fine academic writing (although actually I’m supposed to make one) so just take it or leave it. I, Metta Niham , who’ve been so sturdy and persistence that I’m gonna be one of those great independent woman and won’t be needeing any man ; I,who have been despising girls who desperately looking for the right guy ( I did mock them ), hereby stating that I was wrong. Yes.

I thought that my previous view was obstinate. Nope. I found that being able to stand on my own feet was cool. And I was so proud of it. My overestimating myself was actually a way to deny the very fact that..okay I can’t believe I’m saying this..but I NEED somebody to protect me. Particularly a guy. YES THERE I’M SAYING IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!  pheew.

Don’t get me wrong, people. This is not a small case for me. I’ve been engulfed with a perspective that caused me to say Boo you girls who seek for comfort towards the arm of a guy. I laughed listening to my mom’s story about a family friend who felt so worry that she has not yet got any boyfriend and she was already in her late 20s. And then I realized I was beling delusional. I’m not sure when did this unprecedented feeling start to grasp into my head but  I finally realized that I’m just a normal girl, who sometimes need to be comforted in a certain way that any other girl would’ve wanted as well. I’m just one of those girls who would confide to my girlfriends about how I feel about this guy or that guy. I can be so awkwardly jovial when meeting a guy whom I think fulfill some of my so called criteria. Oh yeah, I’ve got list of criterias of a guy I would date. Do you know how hard it is to write all these things? This might sound sooo normal to you but it’s like a huge self discovery for me.

I hung out with one of my friend yesterday, and she’s just had a boyfriend and she told me everything about her new relationship. She was really really happy and I could see that she actually sparkled. Not like glitterry sparkled, but the other way that express her real happiness. Am I putting it in the wrong way? bufft whatever. She told me about her new guy and I can tell that he really know how to treat a girl. One day, they went to a beach, and this guy gave her one of his MP3 earphone, put the other one to his own ear and when my friend was about to asked him what was going on, he offered her his hand, and took her slow dancing. So they slow danced to a slow love song by the beach while watching the sun sets.

My dream date came true, to somebody else. Can you imagine how romantic it was?

Yeah, call me pathetic.  But this time, I linger to this state. I don’t want to dispose of something beautiful just to be seen as a strong girl, not anymore. Even a strong girl can be eroded and need somebody to alleviate the pain. The old maxim has got to change somehow. I guess, I’m gonna try to be more open ,without being aggressive, for this heart have been locked for so long.

I’d call this post, The Audacity of Love